Fellowship Of The Runner
by The Conquerors
Summary: When Rincewind rams into a high priestess he gets sent to Middle Earth. Now he must throw the Ring in MT.Doom. Just his luck
1. A Normal Day

We do not own Discworld or Lord of the Rings

Fellowship of the Runner

Chapter 1

A Normal Day

This is a very weird tale, even among Discworld standards. The world is on the back of Great A'Tuin, the Star Turtle. On His/Her/Its great back (There is much debate on this matter.), the slowly turning Discworld rests. In between the two stand the four great elephants. Many worlds begin their existence this way. They change when the inter-dimensional lawyers tell them that they are, in some obscure way, breaking one of the many sets of the Laws of Physics and Space-Time Continuum. However, this is not the case here. You see, the astral plane in question belonged to a secondhand set of dimensions and therefore was never meant to fly.

The inter-dimensional lawyers were unable to find them unlawful, whatever that means.

Ask your lawyer.

This IS the Discworld, after all.

Somewhere…

In the Jungles of Deepest, Darkest, and Weirdest Klatch (which is not based even loosely on Africa at all.), there was a man. There is, in legend, a great hero, one who has stood undefeated upon a thousand battlefields, and how has sacked a thousand temples belonging to evil demon-worshipping priests. (Don't look so surprised. This happens all the time.) He has undying bravery and unstoppable courage.

This man is not that man.

THIS man has done exactly the opposite of the aforementioned man. While the hero has stood and fought and won, this man has run in cowardly terror and, on a few notable occasions, has fallen into the fetal position and sucked his thumb with extreme vigor and tried to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible.

We come to him a normal day of his life, that is to say, normal to him yet unusual to other, more civilized people such as those inhabiting the Disc.

The man was running away at his top speed with a horde of angry warriors behind him, shouting his nickname:

"DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!"

The man they were chasing was indeed a sorry sight to behold. His robes were tattered and frayed, but mostly red, partially from the fabric, partially from blood(Not his. His suitcase makes sure of THAT.) His most predominate feature was his hat. It was cone-shaped, also red, with moon and star patterns emblazoned in gold. Hanging from the brim were several corks with the mystical phrase "_Roo Beer_" on them. But most importantly, at least from his perspective, was the word emblazoned in gold:

"_**WIZZARD"**_

Those who are familiar with this man should, at this point, assume the safety position of rolling on the floor and laughing with recognition. '

Now, this man was running so fast that he failed to notice the Amazonian warriors standing in front of him.

It just so happens that he slammed into the Head Priestess.

It also so happens that the Head Priestess had a wand that blasts people into random worlds.

You can guess, with Rincewind's luck, and with his reputation, what was about to happen.

The wand, with all the power it had, reacted fittingly by blasting the offending object. It is natural, with all of his luck, that the offending object was Rincewind.

The Wizzard was sucked into a portal or **Super-Hyper-Interdimensional- Transporter** or known better by it's unfortunate acronym. This acronym is the result of poor translation from a french company of Krappe France, like the **Dynamic-Automatic-Machine-Nuker**. We would just give the acronym, but the interdimensional lawyers have just arrived. (The company has a habit of giving items rather unfortunate acronyms when translated into a more normal dialect. That and the fact that the companies name is, when translated, **Friendly United Congressmen of Krappe**, or (We still can't say it.))

The Luggage arrived to a very weird scene (Not that it could comprehend this, being made of wood.)

The clearing was a mass of people standing around confused and listening to the Head Priestess curse out loudly: "WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS RINCEWIND? I NEED TO KNOW SO I CAN GUT HIM LIKE A SCALBIE*!"

The Luggage, hearing this (Which is still a matter of debate.), took action.

* * *

><p>*A Scalbie is a type of seabird known for eating things that would make a vulture sick, apparently including vulture sick.<p> 


	2. The Wizzard Abides

Chapter 2

The Wizzard Abides

When Rincewind opened his eyes he realized he was hundred fifty feet from the ground but that distance was drastically reducing it's self. Said situation was not unusual for Rincewind: he still shook when he remembered the time he was flying on a dragon and it disappeared out from under him.

Luckily Rincewind's Fall was broken. "Maybe my luck has changed." said Rincewind however he had landed on a tall black tower called Isengard. But that was not the bad part.

The bad part is that his cloak, which had been caught on one of the tower's black spires, ripped off and sent him to the floor. The REALLY bad part came when a creature appeared. It was the size of an average person but totally warped and disfigured. This, ladies and gentlemen, was an orc. It also meant bad news for Rincewind, who immediately recognized it as the beginning of another adventure, I.E, a period of untold horror and unpleasantness, along with copious amounts of running away from things and screaming.

Lots of screaming.

Rincewind ran through the fortress of Orthanc. He somehow managed to get out and run into a nearby forest.

"Come back here, puny human! My friends and I hunger for the taste of MAN FLESH!"

"Think I Lost them." Rincewind said. "Hey are you all right?" Asked a small voice Rincewind turned around to see to small human like creatures with curly hair and furry bare feet

Rincewind then curled up in the fetal position as mentioned in chapter 1. "Don't eat me." Screamed Rincewind.

"Relax were not going to eat you I'm Frodo and this is Sam." Frodo said. Rincewind was relived that they weren't going to kill him but his eyes fell on the Ring around his neck.

"Maybe, maybe my luck has changed." Thought Rincewind with all the hope in the world. "There he is boys!"

"MAN FLESH!" yelled the orc sargeant

"Oh, bugger." Rincewind muttered.

Then he ran.

Again.

Rincewind ran past the startled hobbits, who quickly hid, and plunged into the underbrush. His hand grabbed something round. A rock!

Rincewind grasped what he assumed was a rock and lifted it up. To his dismay, it turned out to be a bee's nest. Rincewind hurled the nest at the incoming orcs and ran, slapping away bees as he went.

Behind him, the orcs saw the nest and stopped. Now, orcs were not particularly smart creatures, and they had never seen a bee before. The clustered around it.

The circle quickly closed in.

The circle expanded even more quickly as the bees saw the orcs and assumed they were the ones to disturb them.

Rincewind saw a gate closing ahead. Picking up more speed, he dodged inside. The gate slammed shut.

Rincewind's joy was soon tampered by the tower of Isengard.

In his haste to escape, he came back the way he had come.


	3. Dinner With Saurmon

Chapter 3

Dinner with Saumon

Rincewind ran straight into the orcs guarding the entrance. "Halt who goes there?" Asked one of them. Rincewind fell into the fetal position mentioned in chapter 1 and 2. "R-R-Rincewind."

"Are you working for the elves?" Asked the orc.

"N-N-No."

"Do you have job?" They asked. Rincewind still crouched down points to the _**WIZZARD**_ on his hat.

"We think we have a job for you wizard." Said the orcs leading Rincewind further into the fortress.

"Really?" Rincewind asked uncertainty because someone was being nice to him for a change.

When Rincewind walked in he saw a huge dinner table with two chairs at both ends with foreign food. "This must be where they want me to sit." Rincewind said.

When he sat down what he saw at the other end terrified him. It looked like a giant man in metallic armor with spikes coming of the helmet.

"Greetings Wizzard I am **LORD SAURON!" **He stooped for a minute with his hands in the air like he was waiting for something to happen.

"orc why are there no flames behind me?"

The orc hearing this pressed a button making flames dramatically shoot behind Sauron. Rincewind clapped his hands.

"Very Eccentric performance."

"Yes. Now wizard I have a job for you."

"Y-Y-Yes." Rincewind stamered.

"Did you happen to see a golden ring?"

Rincewind thought for a moment then remembered Frodo. He felt fond of him and didn't know this guys intensions so he did the most heroic thing he ever did lie.

"Uhhhh no."

"Really well if you do it's a golden ring Being carried by to people with curly hair and furry feet.

"Well why do you want that Ring?" Asked Rincewind

"What do you mean?" Said Saurmon in disbelief

"Well wouldn't be easier to go to a jewelry store and buy a different ring instead of stealing one?" Asked Rincewind.

"No No. See this ring is magical it turns you invisible." Said Saurmon.

"That's nice." Said Rincewind

"It will also let me summon an army of ghost's that can't be killed but can kill and let me enslave man kind.

"Slightly less nice." Rincewind said.

In his mind Rincewind thought this guy was a nut. Not only was his suit crazy but very few people who worked with demons and ghost survived. Rincewind was formulating plans for escape.

"What's that?" Sauron asked. Rincewind looked over and saw the luggage coming right forward however he didn't want Sauron to die in front of his own men and be blamed.

Saurmon walked right over to the luggage.

"What's this thing?" He said as he bent down to inspect it.

"No DON'T GO NEAR IT!" Shouted Rincewind but it was to late he Luggage ate Sauron with it's mahogany red tongue and sycamore white teeth.

The luggage then went over to Rincewind and nuzzled against him like how a cat shows affection.

"You killed our master with your box on legs." As soon as hearing those words Rincewind was rushing out the doors.

"Don't let him get away" Shouted the orcs . "Not here to." whined Rincewind.


	4. The Battle For The Ring

Chapter 4

The Battle For The Ring

"Phew I think I lost them." Said Rincewind. "You there who are you?" Said a gruff voice. Rincewind looked behind him and saw a very old man with a long white beard behind him.

"Who are you?" He asked. Rincewind immediately screamed and ran the other direction. However he shot a blue beam that froze Rincewind in place.

"Now calm down I'm Gandalf the-" He was cut off when he saw a box with tiny centipede like legs coming toward him it's mouth open with gold. " What is this?" Gandalf asked about to peer inside it.

Rincewind not wanting another group of people to try to kill him warned him of the Luggage. " That's the Luggage! Don't go near it! Don't touch it! Don't make it look like your attacking me!

Gandalf just simply shot another blue beam picking up the Luggage and placing it near Rincewind. "Now-" He was about to go on when he saw Frodo and Sam waving to Rincewind.

"Do you know these people?" Asked Gandalf "No." Said Rincewind not knowing if this guy thinks of them as friends or enemies. "It looks like you do." Said Gandalf. "But I don't said Rincewind. "Hey you dropped some coins back there when we met you." Said Sam

Rincewind then broke free of the hold and ran off at top speed not knowing if Gandalf was good or bad with Gandalf following right behind him. "I'll give you anything you want." Gandalf said.

"Money, magical, amulets, uhh potatoes?" Rincewind stopped dead in his tracks and turned around. "Did you say **Potatoes?**" Asked Rincewind. "Yes lots and lots of potatoes just do this little job." Gandalf said.

"All right I'm in what do I have to do?" Rincewind asked. "It's all quite simple." Explained Gandalf. "I noticed you were recently with Gandalf so you should know about the ring."

"Yes?" Said Rincewind "Well we need you destroy it by throwing it down a very safe mountain called ." "?" Rincewind asked horrified. "You mean the one with the giant army in front of it?" "Yes but with your speed you have nothing to worry about." With that Rincewind regrettably walked towards the mountain. "Figures I would get stuck doing something like this." Rincewind mumbled to himself.

Rincewind ran toward the volcano at top speed when he heard the familiar phrase uttered by a orc "There's the guy that killed our master get him!" Now if Rincewind saw just the orcs he probably would have gone through with the plans and outrun them but when he saw the balrog that was different.

Every ounce of courage that was in Rincewind left him and he hurdled back towards Gandalf and Frodo. "Go around me boy I'll hold them off for you." Rincewind nodded and ran around the army while their attention was turned to Gandalf.

He lifted his staff up and shouted "YOU SHALL NOT PASS." Then he banged it on the ground and a toll both came out of the ground with Gandalf in it "Without paying." Gandalf said continuing his sentence from before.

The lead balrog came up to him took in a deep breath and in a mighty voice asked "Do you take credit here?" "No exact change only." Replied Gandalf with calmness. "Hold on I think I got some cash in here." Said the balrog digging in his bag for money. "Hold on you guys wait here I'll go get some money from the lair." The balrog then stormed off to get money meanwhile with Rincewind.

Rincewind was glad to be rid of the army now it was a clear shot to the mountain until another balrog showed up. Rincewind moved faster then he ever did in his life.

He was halfway up the mountain when he hit a dead end and was cornered with the balrog. "Oh bugger." Said Rincewind as was enjoying his last few minuets of life until he saw something moving in the distance.

**Meanwhile with Gandlaf**

"Okay I brought the exact change like you asked." Said the balrog giving Gandalf the money. "ID sir." The balrog reached in it's bag and pulled out an ID with his face. "Sir I don't think this is you." "What? What do you mean I don't look like that picture how many balrogs do you know?" "Well there's Gary, Sheldon, Brandon, Rick, of course everybody knows Bill." Gandalf Said listing the balrog he knew. "I've had enough of this come on troops were taking the long way." **Back with Rincewind**

The balrog was about to eat him when he saw something rush toward him, something with tiny little legs. The Luggage pulled right to the side of the balrog. "Huhhh." The balrog growled. It bent over to inspect the Luggage before being eaten into it's abyss.

Rincewind took this time to run up the mountain before the army caught up to him. He could see the bubbling lava in the crater ahead until he tripped over a rock and dropped the ring into the lava.

Rincewind breathed a sigh of relief until gollum showed up. "You little bastard you destroyed my precious." "I've been searching for it for a long time." Gollum said "Look if it's that important to you could buy a cheaper one for 4.99 at a jewelry store that an army isn't looking for." Said Rincewind.

"Oh I never though about that." "My precious my precious for 4.99."

Rincewind now sat with the luggage in front of the fellowship. "Rincewind the Wizzard we recognize you as a member of this fellowship and in gratitude of your ahem skill in battle give you your magical potatoes.

"Hold it right there Wizzard." Rincewind turned around to see the Amazonian warriors from before got into this dimension.

"We demand you give us your life or some other form of sacrifice." "What kind of sacrifice?" Rincewind asked. "Any sort of magical vegetable will do."

Rincewind his potatoes behind his back. "The magical vegetables are in that box." Rincewind said pointing at the Luggage.

"Oh they are thank you." The warriors check only to be sucked in to it's space time distorting inside dimensions.

Like all good thing to happen to Rincewind this ended as gollum wanted to show Rincewind his new ring he got from _Amazon_ for 2.99 and knocked over Gandalf's staff sending a blast that hit Rincewind with the force of a train sending him back to the disc.


	5. Epilouge

Chapter 5 Epilogue

The Fellowship is around when Gandalf steps forward and carves something in the tree. "We will never forget the bravest warrior we have had." He steps back revealing Rincewind's face carved into the tree. "Rincewind where ever he may be must be doing some heroic thing in his world.

Rincewind was in front of the soldiers he was in front of before. "There he is and now he has magic potatoes get him!"

Meanwhile the balrog from last chapter is currently in searching for a new job…maybe gardening.


End file.
